DAY 18--Fear the Waxer!

Fear The Waxer!

One way to not act old, according to Pamela Redmond Satran, is to not fear the Waxer. “Listen, you can have all the work in the world done. You can get Botoxed and Restalyned till you’re smooth as a balloon; you can have your boobs lifted to your chin and your tummy tucked into your backbone. But, if you don’t wax down there, anybody who gets close enough—and that includes the entire locker room at the gym—is going to know you’re old.” Ugh. I have an opposing view—FEAR THE WAXER.

Back when I was newly single and thrilled to be “testing” what was normal and what was not, I remember someone saying almost those exact words to me. I asked who she went to and then called to make the appointment. I was headed to Maui for a work trip and thought, what the heck? I’d never done it before, never saw any need to do it but, now that I was single, I should start adapting to the ways of the young and hairless.

I walked into the appointment and the Waxer checks me in. She tells me that they’re actually having a special right now on Brazilians—they’re the same price as a Bikini Wax and the boys really love them. “Ummm..okay.” The name “Brazilian” conjures up warm nights with beautiful sunsets, dancing to sexy music, Latin lovers…(I haven’t even asked how much a Bikini Wax is but, if the boys like it more and it’s the same price, why not?)

She tells me to undress from the waist down and shows me where to lie down.

Breathe. I’m not going to get into graphic detail here. However, so that you may learn from the error of my ways, I’ll share the pertinent parts of this story…

Half-way through this procedure where she has me placing my hands in places and in angles that my hands haven’t previously experienced, I tell her I think I’m okay with being half done. THE PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING! Who cares if the boys like this?? They also like jelly filled doughnuts …doesn’t mean I’m going to wear them on a date!

The Waxer just smiles and continues directing the “holding” patterns.

Wheeeewww. I’m done. Made it through that! I won’t be making a return visit, that’s for sure.

“Okay. Now let’s do the back-side.”

What? What back side? Mine? “Oh, no. I’m sure that this is good enough. Really. I’ll even pay you the full amount.”

“No one leaves here with a hairy bum. Now, up on your knees and elbows.” Is this her tag line? Young and Hairless: Where no one leaves with a hairy bum!

I have feared the Waxer every day since then. Looking old isn’t looking too bad right now…