A book called, “How Not to Act Old” by Pamela Redmond Satran has taught me so much already! For instance did you know that if you don’t want to appear old, don’t leave a voice mail message (Apparently, the younger generation figures with Caller ID there’s no need to actually speak into the phone to let you know they called. My thinking is, if you don’t leave me a message it must not have been very important.)
Don’t wear a watch. Not because you don’t want to know what time it is but, because you should have a cell phone that you neurotically check every five minutes to not only check to see if you have any new Face Book messages but now, to also watch time passing you by. Many other suggestions…don’t advise people to carry an umbrella, say “yay, “ or fear the waxer. Huh.
One chapter tells us “How Not to be a Cougar.” Ready?
1. No animal prints. Nothing says cougar, like a pair of leopard-print stilettos. Or a tiger-striped, chiffon blouse. There goes ¾ of my closet.
2. Bottle the Brassy Blonde. By all means color your hair. Subtler is sexier. Subtle? Me? I’m not brassy…well, at least my hair isn’t.
3. Watch the Cleavage. You may not notice this standing at home surveying yourself in the mirror, but when you lean over and press your arms together, that lovely cleavage turns into a gathering place for wrinkles.
4. Dim the Bling. Tinkly earrings, swinging gold chains and clanking bracelets all cry out too loudly for attention. And?? I fail to see the problem. I live for attention.
5. Lighten up the Make-up. Heavy make-up often has the opposite effect from the one you intended—covering the wrinkles and the age spots, maybe, but making you look weirdly older in the process. Got it.
Fail, fail, fail, fail, and pass.
Cougar it is. And, what’s so bad about that? There’s a whole show dedicated to being this fierce member of the cat family.
I’ll be right back…I need to go check my cleavage for wrinkles…